


Breaking

by donttouchtheneednoggle



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Post-Episode: s05e09 With All My Heart, Trauma, arthur gets to be an actually good husband, gwen gets to be angry and have a breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:21:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29438175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donttouchtheneednoggle/pseuds/donttouchtheneednoggle
Summary: A few days after getting her mind back, Gwen finally breaks down
Relationships: Elyan & Gwen (Merlin), Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 40
Collections: Camelove 2021





	Breaking

**Author's Note:**

> For Camelove 2021 Day 7: Free Day

It was the tiniest, stupidest thing that finally set Gwen off.

She had been fine, really fine, or at least she had been holding it together, these last few days since they had returned from the Cauldron of Arianrhod.

Arthur at least had been behaving normally around her, as though nothing had happened, and honestly she was grateful for that.

Meanwhile Percival couldn’t bear to look at her and Gwaine was unreachable behind a wall of easy smiles and Leon was smotheringly protective and Merlin was completely avoiding her.

If Arthur of all people had treated her like she was breakable she would have broken by now.

As it was she kept snapping at people, at Leon for hovering or Gwaine for being loud, and she could feel people’s stares begin to follow her when she walked down the corridor.

It was ironic, so bitterly ironic, that they thought something was wrong with her now, when everything was finally right.

But she was coping, by and large, and she had not cried and she had not shouted and she had not broken, so she was fine.

Then.

She and Arthur were sitting eating dinner when Arthur pulled a face and picked something from his stew.

“Ugh. Eight years and Merlin _still_ doesn’t remember I hate mushrooms.”

Gwen just stared at him, frozen.

Elyan had hated mushrooms too.

She remembered trying to make him eat them when they were children, the way he screwed up his face when he found them in his stew, and the comical look of utter betrayal he would shoot her.

Something inside her snapped.

“Well maybe if you let him rest for five minutes,” she hissed, voice laced with such icy venom Arthur looked at her, surprised and concerned.

“O… kay? I was just- Guinevere, are you all right?”

“Don’t talk to me. Don’t.” Her eyes were screwed shut, teeth gritted, fighting to keep her anger down, and god forbid the tears.

But when did Arthur ever listen.

“Guinevere, _are you_ _all right_?“

She stood up so suddenly her chair fell over.

“Oh, I’m wonderful,” she snarled. “My little brother only died because of me. I only held him in my arms as he bled out. I only felt _NOTHING!_ ”

She was shouting now, screaming. “I ONLY MURDERED TYR IN COLD BLOOD! I ONLY GOT A CHILD KILLED! BUT I’M FINE. I’M-“

She broke off as tears choked her, and she sank to the floor.

And here it was, the breaking. And it was every bit as dreadful as she’d feared.

Sobs wracked her and she wrapped her arms round her chest like she could hold herself together, but she couldn’t, she was falling apart, trembling, shattering, and all she could hear was Elyan’s last ragged breath and all she could feel was the way the blade twisted as it pierced Tyr’s heart and all she could see was the bloodstain on the corridor wall that had been cleaned away now.

“Guinevere.”

She didn’t know how she heard the voice through her sobs, soft as it was, but she did.

It was the voice she had always been able hear no matter what, even when she was lost inside herself.

“Guinevere, I’m right here.”

She reached out blindly and her fingers curled into fabric, pulling him to her. His strong arms wrapped round her, grounding her as she wept.

Slowly her sobs subsided somewhat, and she opened her eyes to gaze into his face, twisted with worry and remorse.

“Oh Guinevere,” Arthur breathed, cradling her face. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve seen, I should’ve-“

He broke off then, for which Gwen was grateful, she couldn’t handle his guilt as well as her own.

“I’m sorry,” she managed to choke out. “I shouldn’t have shouted, I shouldn’t have-“

“Shh,” Arthur murmured. “What you’ve been through, it would’ve been reasonable to do a lot more.”

At his words she felt her breathing begin to pick up again, her mind start to spiral.

“Right here, Guinevere. You’re here, you’re safe.”

His hand found hers and squeezed, grounding her again. “Do you want to talk?”

Her face contorted, and hot tears spilled from her eyes again.

“I didn’t care. Not one bit. I found it _funny_ , that my brother was _dying_. The last thing he ever saw was me not caring about him, hating him in fact. How the hell am I supposed to deal with that?”

His arms tightened round her, and his eyes looked so sad.

“Oh, Gwen. The last thing Elyan saw was his sister who he loved more than anything else. All that mattered to him was that you were safe, he even told me as much. And now you are. That’s all he would care about.”

Gwen nodded, trying to hold back the sobs that threatened to overwhelm her again. “It doesn’t make it any easier.”

“I know. I’m so sorry Gwen.” He gathered her to him again and buried his face in her hair as she cried again.

After a while she forced herself to pull away, though she didn’t want to, not ever again.

“I didn’t care though. I didn’t care then or when I killed someone I’ve known my whole life, or when the boy died because of me. And- and- there was a time when Percival was suspicious of me, see, and I deliberately mentioned Elyan to throw him off, and he hasn’t looked at me since.”

Her voice was wobbling. _Weak._

"I feel so _angry_ , all the time. Even now, when I’m meant to be fine. Even today I- I snapped at Leon, he was only trying to help, and-“

She was crying yet again, and _gods_ would the tears never stop? “I’m scared that’s what I’m really like. Deep down, what if that’s why- why- sh- she could enchant me, because I’m- I’m bad, I’m sadistic, I’m a monster, and I’m just pretending to be good? I-“

“Guinevere.” Arthur cut her off, and there was a soft smile curling his mouth. “Do you think a sadistic monster would be worried about hurting Percival or offending Leon? Do you think such a monster would be sitting here sobbing with remorse for things they could not help?”

Gwen pressed her lips together and looked away, but Arthur caught her face in his hands.

“No, Guinevere, of course they wouldn’t.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “And yet here you are. The most wonderful, caring, goodhearted person I or any of us have ever known."

He pressed his lips to her forehead, then drew away to look at her once more. "Be sad, be angry, be impatient, gods know you deserve to be, but do not ever think you are not a good person.”

She bit her lip, looking away, but despite herself his words pushed a wave of warmth through her. She shook her head, violently.

“Evil or not, three people are dead because of me.”

She tried to put it bluntly, but her voice shook.

“Because of Morgana," Arthur corrected, trying just as hard to be blunt and failing just as much.

At the mention of her name Gwen’s stomach rolled and she twisted the fabric of Arthur’s around her hands so tight it hurt, desperately trying to ground herself. Her breathing got faster.

“Right here Guinevere,” Arthur murmured, his thumb moving back and forth over her cheekbone. “Stay with me.”

She gripped his shirt and leaned into his hand, and gradually her breaths slowed again.

“How did you learn to do that?” she mumbled. His repetitive, calming actions reminded her of-

“Leon.”

“Ah.” Their friend had suffered nightmares a long time now.

“Have you talked to him?”

She smiled bitterly. “Can’t, can I? No one can know the Queen’s been plotting your downfall for the last month. Else I would go tell Tyr’s mother who murdered her son.”

Arthur looked sorrowfully at her. “I think Leon would be all right to tell, don’t you?” he said gently. “Maybe it would help, he knew Elyan a lot better than I did. And there’s always Merlin.”

At that Gwen smiled bitterly. _There’s always Merlin._ “Quite.”

How did she explain the problem to Arthur, who knew nothing of the battle of wills that had raged between her and her old friend this past month? How did she explain that he had shown her a side of him he usually shielded her from?

How did she explain the memories it had stirred, the pieces that were slowly joining together in the corner of her mind where she had pushed them?

She couldn’t, quite simply.

Arthur was watching her, looking more and more distraught “I’m so sorry, Guinevere. I haven’t been nearly enough, have I? I wanted to let you talk in your own time, I should’ve recognised how you were suffering.”

He took her face in his hands again, like she was a precious thing, not a dangerous one.

“I want to do better. I love you, and I nearly lost you, and I swear on all that I am and love that she will never get near you again, you will never have to go through anything like that again."

He rested their foreheads together. "And I am here. Right here. Whatever you need. Including if you don’t want me to be here anymore. Ok?”

She could not help but smile, weak though it was. She curled her hand around his. “Ok.”

...................

They ate the rest of their dinner sitting on the floor, Gwen leaning her head on Arthur’s shoulder.

Afterwards he helped her unfasten her laces and step out of her gown and into her nightdress. He carried her over to the bed and bathed her salt raw cheeks with a wet flannel. He even tried to braid her hair like Merlin had showed him, and managed to pull an unexpected laugh from her when he got tangled up.

Laughing quickly turned to crying again, and he wrapped her in his arms and slid into bed with her.

He didn’t say anything this time as she wept, just stroked her hair and kissed her forehead.

“I love you Guinevere,” he whispered when the tears finally ran out. "With all my heart."

She buried her face in his neck and pressed a kiss there before she lifted her head to look at him in the gloom.

“I love you too,” she murmured back, and meant it. With all her heart.

Tomorrow she would think of Elyan and break apart all over again. She would go to Leon and cry some more with him. She would go see Merlin and he would murmur a thousand apologies that didn’t make any sense.

But for now she would lie there in Arthur’s arms, and feel peace for the first time in a month.

And for now, that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos appreciated <3
> 
> Come hang out on [tumblr](https://donttouchtheneednoggle.tumblr.com/)!


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